A Charlotte Danielson Halloween
There’s a popular teacher evaluation tool known as “Danielson.” Similar to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named from the Harry Potter series, the name evokes shudders, eye rolls, or grumbles from many in the education field. The rubric provided by the Danielson group is much laughed about for its seemingly unrealistic expectations. A parody called “The Danielson Guide to a Highly Effective Thanksgiving” has floated around the internet since 2012 or 2013. I did not write that parody, but I enjoy it very much! This year, I’ve decided it’s time for an update.
The Danielson Guide to a Highly Effective Halloween
Unsatisfactory: Halloween is on a Tuesday. You do not answer the door to hand out candy. You dump one bag of off brand candy in a bowl on the front porch and hope the bowl isn’t stolen. Your decorations consist of one pumpkin. It is neither carved nor painted. Thunder rumbles in the distance. You shut your porch light off at precisely 8 pm, after quickly snatching in the nearly-full bowl just as a large group of children turns the corner onto your street. You throw out the leftover candy.
Needs Improvement: You answer the door to hand out candy: one per child. Children do not get to choose the candy. Only 62% of the children say, “Thank you.” Halloween is on a Thursday. The parents of the children lag at least 20 yards behind their charges, drinking alcoholic beverages out of travel mugs. Children traipse across your front lawn and do not use the lighted path. It is cloudy. A sock is left on your driveway.
Proficient: There is exactly the right amount of candy for all the trick or treaters. All the children, who have pre-RSVP’d by Evite, arrive at their designated time, with their fully attentive parents. One child puts a toe on your freshly manicured lawn, but immediately responds to your “Ah-hem.” You happily pass out candy to children who have all individually said, “Trick or Treat,” in a loud, clear voice, with no prompting. Halloween is on a Friday. You converse with each set of parents in their native languages. The sunset is glorious. All children wave at you until they are out of view; one child runs back to give you a hug. Hand-written thank you notes are delivered before 8 am the next morning.
Distinguished: After considerable market research, you have amassed a selection of candy that is gluten-free, dairy free, vegan, nut-free, red-dye free, King size, and bountiful. The candy bowl, which was hand-carved by your ancestors in 1812, is self-replenishing. Halloween falls on a Saturday. The thermometer never wavers from 72 degrees Fahrenheit. The scent of cinnamon floats through the air. Children check themselves in and out of your driveway according to the system that they have previously decided upon without your needing to intervene. Each child dutifully recites the periodic table of the elements or first 36 digits of Pi prior to gratefully accepting the candy that was specifically pre-chosen for them. The parents have collaborated on a safety check system which results in stationing themselves at 3 foot intervals throughout the neighborhood; they are equipped with hand-sanitizer, drug sniffing dogs, and emotional support rabbits.